I'm In Your Pants
by ovolamp
Summary: Set in lovergirl85's KidLifeBadDream/KidLifeNightmare Universe :: Kae was less than impressed with Wolf’s strictly ‘no anything’ policy when it came to relationships – so, naturally, she did something about it.


**A/N; **Hey all - as mentioned in the official summary, this story is set within lovergirl85's KidLifeBadDream/KidLifeNightmare Universe - so it has been written and characterized to suit it. KidLifeNightmare and the sequel KidLifeBadDream are brilliant stories and I strongly recommend reading them. This was written with lovergirl85's permission and is dedicated to her (I hope you enjoy it xD And I had to have my Snake/Jesse moment, sorry!).

Anyway, if you don't like, don't read and if you do like, tell me about it, yeah?

As for the length, that was totally unintentional... it was meant to be around 1000 words, but I failed. I hope everyone is IC.

Enjoy!

**Disclaimer; **All characters belong to Anthony Horowitz and lovergirl85 respectively - I only own the vague semblance of a plot.

**Summary;** Kae was less than impressed with Wolf's strictly 'no anything' policy when it came to relationships – so, naturally, she did something about it.

**Warning;** There is mention of sexual situations but it is not detailed, however, it is there. Just as a heads up xD

* * *

**I'm In Your Pants**

One-Shot

* * *

Blistering hot water pounded over him and he moaned, completely enjoying the reprieve from the icy cold Brecon Beacon's showers had to offer. It didn't matter that he was stuck in some godforsaken place with a gaggle of teenagers, as long as he had this heaven; all other priorities took a backseat inside his head.

Wolf almost yelped, keyword being _almost_ when he turned around and found a sentence written on the steamed up shower screen. As it were, he just dropped the lavender soap he'd been holding and stared, utterly horrified, at the message.

'_I'm in your pants.'_

It took near over a minute for him to process the words, and the obvious connotations attached. When everything clicked into place, however, he wrenched open the cubicles door and searched the small pile of clothing he'd left nearby.

Sure enough, his black track pants were conspicuously absent.

* * *

Jesse was dressed in a set of silken pajamas that were both a horrible fuchsia color and covered in cutesy fairies. She held a bowl full of half-eaten Fruit Loops in one hand while a trail of low-fat milk dribbled down her chin. Sleep had yet to be rubbed from her eyes and her hair resembled a bird's nest – but even though she was the picture of perfect innocence, it did nothing to stop an irate Wolf.

He swept into the kitchen with a soaked black shirt pulled over his torso, a fluffy blue towel wrapped around his waist and an expression on his face that promised copious amounts of pain.

Snake peered over the top of his newspaper as Wolf advanced slowly on the terrified girl. Jesse recoiled as the clearly pissed off soldier drew closer, subtly placing her cereal down on the counter and angling her body towards the nearest door in case she needed to make a quick getaway. She tried not to squeak.

She failed.

"Who did it?" Wolf ground out between clenched teeth, hand subconsciously tightening on his towel, "which one of you little brats did it?"

"I, uh, I don't… know?"

It was, apparently, the wrong answer.

"Of course you know!" He thundered furiously, "you lot can't go anywhere without each other, or do anything without the rest of the group getting involved!"

Jesse blanched.

"That, uh, an- analogy, is, uh, it's generally u- used for when girls flock to the, uh, to the bathroom, you know, um, together, and-"

Wolf's expression darkened dramatically.

Jesse broke off, unable to think coherently over the terror, and just stood there, trapped between an unyielding bench and an equally unyielding SAS man while doing a rather tenacious impression of a goldfish – she let out a scared whimper.

Snake decided it was time to come to her rescue around about then.

"Jesse," she looked at him like he'd thrown her a lifeline, "come here."

She practically blitzed over once she'd timidly squeezed passed the man, and promptly hid behind his chair, eyeing Wolf's intimidating frame warily. Snake nudged the chair beside him out and nodded at it, "help me with this crossword, will you?"

"Um," she tugged at her sleeve uncertainly, but settled into the allocated seat anyway, "okay?"

"Good," he answered kindly, before leaning across the table and carefully swiping away the track of milk still on her chin with his thumb. She flushed ten shades of red and squeaked again.

Snake grinned, all too aware of her crush (although he was surprised that getting with Cub hadn't gotten rid of it – he would never understand the female psyche) and nonchalantly handed her a pen.

Across the room, his teammate watched the scene, bewildered.

There was a beat of silence.

"Wolf," Snake said, dryly, "put some pants on."

"And no," he added as Wolf opened his mouth, presumably to ask a question, "I haven't seen them."

* * *

Five minutes later the sliding door to the boy's room smashed open.

"You realize you exhibited potential cock-blocking behavior just now?"

Wolf froze at the threshold and blatantly gawked at the blonde teen. He was sprawled out across his bed, avidly writing in an open notebook and had yet to give any indication that he'd just conversed with the slightly appalled soldier.

"Yeah," piped up Tom, who, for some reason, was holed up in the open closet, "one of us could have been getting it on, you know, or even just getting it off..."

Alex snorted, "The only chick you've come even _close_ to scoring with is your Grandma, Tom. And as for self-scoring, well, being in a household full of SAS kind of puts a damper on things, you know?"

"Speak for yourself, Al," Tom puffed out his chest and aimed a leer Alex's way. Wolf's nose crinkled slightly in disgust at the image the teen's words presented.

Alex appeared faintly incredulous, "did you just _admit_ to doing _that_ in _front_ of one of _them_?" His pen stopped all movement across paper and was suddenly being jabbed in Wolf's general direction. Tom's eerie gaze followed the biro's path.

Wolf shivered imperceptibly as the kid's blue eyes pierced him.

"Who says they aren't the source of my wildest fantasies?"

Alex cocked an eyebrow questioningly, "you swing that way?"

It was at that particular point when Wolf's brain hit sensory overload – flooded with too many pictures caused by words that shouldn't have been coming out of the mouths of the pubescent – and he began to back away, slow and subtle.

Even though he was relatively discreet about his impromptu exit, Alex caught the sudden movement and turned his attention, and consequently Tom's, back to him.

"Say Wolf," the outspoken boy said, contemplatively, as he inspected the older man and zeroed in on his sheer lack of slacks, "where are your pants?"

Then, almost like he'd gained tunnel vision, too, the teenage spy blatantly stared at the soldier's predicament and asked, rather thoughtfully, "Is this some kind of statement?"

Wolf didn't respond – mostly because he was completely unsure how to.

"Yeah, is this, like, your metaphorical way of telling us that you are no longer the man of the house?"

Alex's expression morphed into something quite sinister – in fact, Wolf had half a mind to go out and get him a white cat called 'Fluffy', to stroke, "no, I was thinking more along the lines of why he came barging into the bedroom of two fourteen year old children, without pants… "

It took a minute for the realization to hit, but when it did, Tom visibly brightened, "Oh! You mean he wants to _get some_?"

"U-huh, I always wondered if his interest in fourteen year old boys was work related, or strictly recreational."

"Well," his shorter companion crowed gleefully, "now we know! Hey Wolf-"

But alas, he was gone.

* * *

"Hey, um, Snake?"

Said man glanced up from his steaming cup of coffee, "yes?"

Jesse shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "what's a four letter word for, uh, crest?"

The Scotsman tilted his head as he studied the puzzle. He took in the letters scrawled in Jesse's neat script and silently began to piece it all together in his head. His mind finally picked a possible synonym and he leant back in his chair, opened his mouth and was about to tell her what it was when Wolf bust in.

He looked dangerous – loomed in the doorway like that.

"Girl, you don't let _anyone_ take advantage of you, no one. If they do try, you come to me, straight away, and you tell me, you hear? You understand?"

Jesse nodded dumbly, utterly shocked.

Wolf whirled on his heels and disappeared.

Snake sipped his drink casually, "tried 'peak'?"

* * *

It wasn't eavesdropping if you'd stopped, briefly, outside a certain person's room and accidently overheard a conversation. Wolf would know, he was adept at listening at keyholes – a hobby from the past – and this was just a selective rest stop where he could pause and gather his rather scattered thoughts. No way had he intended to end up where he was - that was an unfortunate coincidence.

"Have you found one yet?"

"_No _Alex, I haven't. These things are bloody elusive."

"Defeated by a piece of material, Tom?"

Someone, presumably Tom, scoffed.

"No!"

"Then stop complaining and try harder."

There was a sniff of disdain.

"Why do we have to use the 'sock on the doorknob' anyway? It's _totally_ outdated."

Wolf moved off, feeling highly disconcerted.

* * *

Luke was hardly superficial.

When it came down to it, he was a true believer of inner beauty – more interested in a person's personality then their level of attractiveness. But after being tormented by James for the first half of the morning about the acne he was apparently developing – Luke decided it was alright to check out the claim.

Of course, the second he saw his reflection in the mirror, he knew the other boy had been spouting off rubbish again. His skin was still relatively smooth and blemish free – he went real close to the glass, just to make sure. After a minute or so of blatantly staring at his own face, he pulled back, and then shrieked.

Someone else's reflection had spontaneously popped up beside his, and it clearly wasn't happy. Luke wasn't a hundred percent certain what happened after that, his world kind of tilted a bit and started to fade. There was this shrill buzzing in his ears accompanied by what he could only assume was his own heartbeat.

Then his vision cleared and his knees locked straight as the man's voice washed over him – it sounded alarmed, although the words were indiscernible through the static filter that still blocked his ears. Absently, the teen watched dazedly as the soldier's hand snaked out and cuffed him upside the head, quite hard.

Reflexively, Luke brought his own hand up to rub his now throbbing skull – Wolf looked faintly relieved as the boy snapped himself out of his stupor. Then the anger returned, with more force as the worry he'd felt at the kid's almost passing out melted into raw, unadulterated fury. Luke's mouth moved of its own accord;

"Did you, uh, want something?"

It was an old habit, and a weird one, for such a reserved guy; but Luke rambled when he was nervous. Silently, he cursed himself as he spoke – Wolf was pissed, that much was obvious, and he'd had just practically prodded him with a stick.

"Why the hell else would I be here wasting my time on you, brat?"

Luke tried to formulate an answer that wouldn't get his head torn off his shoulders, which were hunched defensively – but everything he visualized saying got the same brutal result. So instead, he asked, "what is it that you, um, need?"

"Take a wild guess," Wolf deadpanned.

It was a total catch twenty-two; the wrong answer meant decapitation by scary SAS operative and headless body left in a ditch somewhere, while not answering meant virtually the same – except he would have died without having tried.

He deliberated for a moment, teeth worrying at his bottom lip as he did so. Then he just decided to dive right in and bite the bullet when he noticed Wolf getting increasingly antsy where he was, "you, uh, seem to be missing your pants…?"

The older man clasped Luke's arm and spun him round so that they were face-to-face rather than reflection-to-reflection. His hand didn't release Luke when he was done either, vice-like grip becoming even tighter instead. It occurred to him that the soldier was halting an escape attempt before it started. Luke twitched.

There was silence.

"Got any idea where they might be?"

His tone was gruff and accusatory, almost as though he'd already pegged Luke as the culprit. Which didn't sit right with the teenager; he was too young to die, you see.

Luke was gonna hyperventilate any second now, he could feel it.

"Have you… tried… your closet…?"

Stupid Luke, stupid, stupid, stupid - of course he'd tried his closet, that was the logical place to find clothes, wasn't it?

Luke whined softly and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for his demise.

There was an amused snort from overhead. Luke was suddenly free of the man's hold and he felt a light breeze brush against him as Wolf left the bathroom.

Slowly he cracked an eyelid and found himself alone and very much alive. He exhaled in a rush and relaxed; it was like he'd been held up by puppet strings all through that entirely unpleasant ordeal.

The blissful feel of safety soon came crashing down as an enraged roar echoed throughout the cabin. Presumably, Wolf had found his cupboard severely lacking in the garments he desperately needed. Luke heard the pounding footsteps of a man on a mission a little while later, but he didn't stick around to see where they were headed. He scampered across to Tom and Alex's bedroom and took temporary refuge under the blonde's bunk, much to the other boy's amusement.

* * *

"Its okay, Luke," Tom assured the nervous teen jubilantly, lying against the messy floor so he could see the shadowed figure of Luke curled up under Alex's bed, "we've put a sock on the door, he won't dare come in now, I promise."

"You positive about that?"

"I've never been _more_ positive in my entire-"

Someone moved bodily outside the bedroom and Tom fell silent. Whoever it was, they were throwing their weight around with a vengeance. Luke figured he knew exactly who the person doing a rather impressive impersonation of a rhinoceros was, and quickly burrowed further into his sanctuary, eyes like dinner plates.

Tom made a pensive noise deep in his throat and pulled himself into a sitting position – he threw a much too gleeful look Alex's way. "We're going to have to sell this…"

There was an audible sigh, "Yes, yes we are."

"Oh _Alex!_" came Tom's breathless and rather realistic moan a second later, "I never knew something so _wrong_ could feel so _right_!"

Luke was quite perturbed by the acting. It was blatant overkill.

"Tom!" cried Alex, following his friend's lead with a lot less enthusiasm, "oh _Tom_!"

Hardly believable, and he called himself a spy.

Then, after a whispered cue from Tom, Alex began to bounce. The iron bedposts groaned and there was a _thump, thump, thump_ sound as the bed hit the wall over and over. The mattress gave way under the shifting weight, getting steadily lower.

"Hey!" howled Luke from underneath the bunk, which was progressively trying to squash him; he was suitably outraged, "I'm under here, you bastards!"

* * *

"This is taking, like, _forever_."

James reached out and poked his girlfriend, who had an irked pout on her lips, in the small of her back. Then he ducked as she spun around and swatted at his head a lot more viciously than he would have liked – where was the love?

"Maybe," he grumped from behind the couch, distinctly putout by her severe lack of affection for him, "you should have left a clue?"

Kae sniffed haughtily and continued to fiddle with Eagle's hair, throwing it into disarray and irritating its owner to no end, "I stole his pants, James. I wasn't about to stick around and play 'treasure hunt' – do I look that stupid?"

Annoying an SAS operative while he was settled quite comfortably in an armchair watching the beloved sport he'd been deprived of for months – James had to say that she did indeed appear quite stupid. Incredibly so, when Eagle growled threateningly and all she did was entangle her hands further and giggle.

"Did you just _growl_ at me?" She intoned wondrously.

Eagle harrumphed loudly and his expression visibly darkened. Kae took his reaction as a positive answer, grabbed a fistful of brown hair and yanked.

"Do it again!" She squawked – Eagle scowled.

Seconds later he had gotten up and ambled over to the settee, where he found protection in the form of a much humored Fox. Kae looked remarkably crestfallen.

Then the man exacted his revenge on the teen by turning to her boyfriend and announcing, "Nobody else is harebrained enough to pull a stunt like that, so really, taking the pants was a clue in itself – I'm surprised Wolf hasn't barged in yet."

Kae, utterly oblivious to the insult, nodded sagely across the room, "exactly."

James' eyebrows knitted together and he was about to tell Kae to have a bit of self-respect, damn it, when an infuriated bellow tore through the cabin.

The wooden floorboards vibrated as someone stomped towards the lounge room. James turned expectantly to the walls, convinced that any minute now, they'd start to bleed. Because this was the start of a horror film – he could tell. The monster was about to bust in and eat them all – even the, no, _especially_ the girl.

Over on the sofa, Fox and Eagle wholeheartedly shared his unspoken sentiment.

Kae just smiled benignly, looking very much like Christmas had come early.

* * *

"You're in my pants."

She looked utterly ridiculous in them too. They were two-sizes too-big and she'd had to tie a – was that a _rope_? – around her waist to keep them up. Not to mention that they were much too long for a person of her stature, half of them were trailing behind her as she walked towards him – getting scuffed and torn.

Before Kae could open her mouth and instantly make the situation worse, and before Wolf could start his rambunctious yelling – James, who was now bunched between the other two soldiers as a way of enforcing his own survival, chirped;

"I wish she was in my pants."

That declaration seemed to halt the proceedings for a few minutes as everyone's attention was suddenly riveted to the un-abashed teen. Kae's eyelids lowered sultrily - three men visibly recoiled at the sight - and she husked, "I'd rather be in your pants, too."

Wolf was getting seriously fed-up – when had they all gotten so bloody horny?

Then, in tandem, both kids pointedly swiveled in his direction.

"But," Kae bleated shrilly, "I _can't_."

James pinned the man with a potent glare, "because _someone_ is _way_ too old-fashioned and is forcing their Freudian and outdated perspective about relationships onto us poor defenseless teenagers– it's both cruel and unusual!"

"What would you do if you couldn't canoodle with your sweetheart?" Kae cried out theatrically, "How would it make you _feel_?"

"Wolf doesn't have a sweetheart." Fox told Kae lightly, purposefully avoiding his fearless leader's lethal glower, "hasn't for a couple of years now…"

"And I think we've established that Wolf doesn't have feelings beyond the primitive 'anger' and, well, just anger really…" James trailed off with a frown.

Wolf looked murderous.

Kae could see that this wasn't working; they'd have to move onto plan B. With a hand signal that everyone in the immediate area could clearly see, she alerted James to the fact before discreetly pinching her forearm until her eyes watered.

"It's upsetting," were those tears authentic? Wolf couldn't be sure. Kae gazed at her boyfriend longingly, tearfully, "to know that I will never be held in your loving embrace _ever_ again…"

"My love, my only, it breaks my heart so…"

"Mine too," wailed Kae, "Oh James, hold me!"

James had a tortured expression on his face as he slid off the couch and onto his knees, head bowed as he mewled, loudly, "But I'm forbidden!"

"_CUT IT OUT!_"

They both stopped their foray immediately, James quickly nestling back into his safety zone – Wolf was about to blow his top, his fists were clenched and he was shaking with repressed emotion. These kids were dead; he was going to bloody-

"I propose a trade," Kae drawled impishly, deciding that being too the point was probably the best approach for a simple guy like Wolf.

The response was short, flat and final, "No."

"But you haven't even heard-"

"How 'bout this? Give me my pants _now_, and I might not kill you."

Kae was affronted, "did you just order a _minor _to _strip_?"

A cry of, "_pedophilia_" permeated through the hallway. Tom was listening in.

Wolf didn't falter, "The ones you stole from my dresser, once you have them you can go get changed and give _those _ones back to me. Then, the _two_ of you can run around the hut until you physically can't anymore – and once you've reached that point, _you will keep going until I say you stop._"

"No, no, no, no and no."

"We've hidden your pants, you see," James informed him, sheltered by Eagle's bulky frame, "and we will only return them once you have agreed to our terms."

"I don't deal with criminals."

"Then you and your towel are gonna become fast friends." Sneered Kae, arms crossed and chin jutted out stubbornly.

Wolf looked down at the fluffy blue towel and growled.

"We want the strictly 'no anything' policy towards relationships annulled," Kae listed off on her fingers, "we also want the television in the afternoons from Monday through Friday, we want our allocated 'bedtime' extended a couple of hours, and we want _you lot_ to pitch in with the cleaning up duties around here."

Tom had been badgering for the television lately – he had an unhealthy obsession with children's cartoons. Jesse had been complaining about the lack of help she got whenever house work was mentioned – she was the honorary nanny. Luke had found that if he exhausted himself enough, he would enter a dreamless sleep – he hated having nightmares. Alex had an unstable relationship with K-Unit at best – he would never pass up a chance of revenge. James despised the fact that he couldn't be romantic with his girl – he didn't want the rules to end their budding relationship. Kae had fallen off the deep-end a long time ago – Wolf refrained from trying to analyze the blatant crazy that ran through her head.

They were _all_ in on it.

There was absolutely no hope – he wasn't gonna get his pants back. If they'd joined forces, which it appeared as though they had, it was over.

Power in numbers, as well as confidence – they weren't gonna cave.

His lip curled savagely – when this was done, those kids better have a safe house to run too, because he was going to make them all _pay_.

"No groping, no make-out sessions and absolutely _no_ tongue. There will _not_ be any _other_ extracurricular activities or there will be _serious_ repercussions. The door must be open _at all times_ if there is someone of the opposite sex in the room. You can have the television Sunday through Wednesday and one extra hour – but that's it. And _no_ on the cleaning, we're your protection detail, not your maids – we aren't gonna clean up after you."

Kae and James exchanged a look, "deal?" Kae questioned.

"Deal," James affirmed.

"Right," Kae peeped brightly and clapped her hands, "witnesses!"

"Eagle," stated James, "Fox, do you witness?"

"Yeah, yeah, we saw it." Fox grouched, annoyed that he had missed half the game over this – when James looked meaningfully at him, he added, "I witness."

Eagle clapped a hand over his heart, "I witness."

"You can't go back on your word now," shrieked Kae, "we have witnesses!"

Wolf stared, then, in a quiet, malevolent voice, "My pants?"

"Uh, we hid them out under the porch… it kind of rained since then and, you know how it's sort of hilly and the water runs and-"

Kae cut her boyfriend of with a sharp glance and well aimed cushion, "what my lover is trying to say," cue two malicious glares and an amused look, James made a mental note to vacate any area that Eagle and Wolf might be within the next few days, "is that they are soaked through. And I have the only dry pair."

"Go get changed out of them," he ordered dangerously, but Kae shook her head.

"Nu-uh, these are my trophy."

Wolf's mouth clicked shut as he decided, sensibly, to let the brats win this battle. Because he knew that in the end, he would win the war – he most certainly would.

With one final acidic glower that could have stripped paint, he stalked out.

Halfway down the hall, he still managed to catch James' solemn;

"And thus, it is the end of Kilt Man."

* * *

_Review?_

**BTW - **_ cock-block _means that you _stop someone from scoring sexually_


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